My Special Morning

Mondays, f*cking Mondays.  Monday mornings are the worst.  They mark the official end of the weekend and the beginning of another exhausting work week.

Today was an especially ridiculous  Monday morning.  The story involves coffee, sh!t (not related to the coffee), geese, and other seemingly unrelated things.

The morning started off late.  I was told by my boss that I could drive up to an hour or two later because no one else was going to be recruiting.  I woke up at 7:50 and started making a pot of rice so that I could pack a lunch.  I wanted a little bit of company while I was getting ready so I took my two sugar sweethearts out and sat them on my shoulders.

Both of them peed on one of my arms.  I had two arms dripping with sugar glider pee, and I had to wash up and get dressed.  I told Ginger to please pack me a lunch while I get ready, and he did.  I went to go take off my nightshirt and step in what feels like warm toothpaste.

Sugar presents.  Sugar presents smashed on my foot.  I put the sugar gliders down, only to feel another warm toothpastey thing get smushed on my palm.  SUGAR POOPS EVERYWHERE, WHAT THE FUUU.  After these sugary messes, I washed up, got dressed up, sprayed myself with a good amount of perfume, and I left the apartment 10 minutes later than I was supposed to.

While I was driving up to the office, I got stuck behind a bus, a police car, and a garbage truck ... AT THE SAME TIME.  What the f*ck.  Of course, when I'm already late, I'm just going to arrive even later.  I park the car in the employee lot (even though I do not have a pass) and I run inside, only to realize that of COURSE I f*cking left my university ID (that I need to get into the building) and my hospital ID (that I need for work in Flint) in my apartment.  Great.  I see a coworker coming in at the same time, so I try to go through the revolving door with her.

(Note: each compartment of the revolving door is actually about 2 square feet big.  It's a small space, so I chose to go into a different compartment thna her).

Right before my compartment is about to open up, the door stops.  I almost faceplant into the door, and my boss comes in right on cue.  "Security breach.  Security breach.  Please reverse."  Just like in a movie.  Are you f*cking kidding me?  My boss starts laughing at me.  I would start laughing at me too ... ugh.  So now, on top of being late, I have officially made an a$$ of myself.

I pick up my bags and head out for Flint.  As soon as I sit down in my car I realize that I want coffee so that I don't kill myself on the drive over.  I have fallen asleep several times on the drive up there, and it is really scary.  I would have gotten coffee at home, but our coffeemaker has been broken for weeks.  I move my car to the visitor parking lot near the front so that I can run in (without my ID and without bothering my boss again to let me in) and grab a quick thermos of coffee.

I return outside, with my hot coffee ... wait.  My thermos is hot.  Goddammit!  This also means that my thermos is broken.  RAGE.  This was a REALLY NICE THERMOS, DAMMIT.  Arghh.  I walk on to my car, only to notice the strange groundskeeper herding away the geese.  This wouldn't have been a problem if he wouldn't have herded the four or so families of geese to cross the street right in front of me.  I can't even walk forward, because as soon as I do, I get an angry hiss from a parent goose.  Sorry, geesies, I am not interested in huggling your cute goslings, I just want to get to my car!

I finally get into my car, to notice the same strange groundskeeper herding the geese, but this time the geese are walking right behind my car.  Are you f*cking kidding me?  I'm late, I need to go home and pick up my ID, and now I'm blocked in by geese.  I stare blankly at the windshield and I notice something tucked under the wiper.

F*CKING HELL, I got a parking ticket.  Are you KIDDING me.  I got a parking ticket because I wanted to go inside and get a free thermos of coffee.  FUUUUUUUU, I got a parking ticket for the five minutes that I was inside!  $10 for five minutes and a free thermos of coffee.  At this point, I am just outraged.  Oh well, I have to go home anyway and pick up my ID.  I call my sweetheart and ask him to find my badges, which he successfully does, and he waits for me to come back to my apartment.

When I come back, he's still getting ready.  "Could you pack me a lunch, please?" he so sweetly asks.  Oh, the irony.  Now, I'm packing him a lunch!

I finally leave for Flint, only 40 minutes later than I planned to, and I haven't even started work yet.

WHAT A F*CKING MORNING.