Apparently the first rule of my grades is to never talk about my grades...

 Okay, guys, it's

FINALS CRUNCH TIME!! ... the special time during the semester when I can't really update but I will anyway to stop my brain from imploding!

That beautiful time of the school when all you want to do over here is either play out in the snow or relax out in the sun, depending on which semester it is.  However, school confines the responsible students in the library for hours and hours on end, almost to spite the beautiful weather outside.  At least here, at 10 AM, the library is mostly empty and beautifully quiet.  It's a shame I am going to be here ALL FREAKING DAY.

Lately, I haven't been living in my house.  Here's why:


(1)the temperature of my room is literally that of a refrigerator
(2)it is 1.5 miles away from campus and I want to spend loads of time at the library without having to trudge in the snow
(3)I snapped and told my housemates that the next person to give me sh!t would get punched in the face, and I don't even want to be around some of them right now

Reason (1) will be discussed in a later post.  This one is about reason (3).  As you may have figured, I am not a violent person.  I will sit here, sip my latte, and b!tch about the silly things that happen--but that is all I will do.  I will never actually take action and confront anyone, because I don't want to start a fight.  I have never gotten into a physical fight with someone and I had never threatened ANYONE with a punch to the face, not even indirectly.

Until now.

Finals puts a lot of pressure on any student.  I am already pressured to get great grades so that I can get into a good medical school.  I am slowly getting crushed.  There is such little time to study for exams, and I'm sure this is true for the majority of college students.  Everyone's stressing out about getting a "good" grade.  But here is the real question:  is it so unreasonable for me to want high grades and then be dissatisfied if I don't get them?

My life is centered around me achieving specific goals.  For my physical chemistry class, my goal is to get a real, solid A.  You may think I'm being cocky or whatever, but know that I work very hard for that class and I actually have an A right now.  The thing is that I don't want to screw it up right during finals week because that is what always happens to me and I am doing so well right now.  I would be so disappointed in myself if I let this slip.  (Major pressure, since I only have the whole day today to study for this cumulative final that is at 8 AM tomorrow, and this is thanks to the final I had yesterday.)  This goal is MY goal, and has NOTHING to do with anyone else's grades or my opinions about anyone else's grades.  These are MY grades.

The last time I was at home, I was notified of my most recent exam grade for physical chemistry.  Although the grade wasn't bad (A-), I was still shocked because I had NO CLUE how this had happened.  I had consulted the answer key and it didn't make sense.  Where the hell did I even lose these points?  I was EXTREMELY frustrated.  Especially so because my other housemate, who is also in the same class, did super well on it and she studied for probably half the time I did.  I hate that.

I was verbally freaking out about this, and my boyfriend had already told me to shut the f*ck up about it.  I was already upset.  Then one of my other housemates said sarcastically, "Oh, what did you get, an A- or something?"  I sheepishly replied that, yes, it was an A- and I was not happy with it because I was supposed to do better than that.  This is my 'easy' class.  This one is supposed to bring up my GPA.  Yes, I am still upset with this exam grade because I think it's a load of bullsh!t.  (Note:  it did turn out to be a load of bullsh!t.  I should have received a grade that was 8% higher, and that's a big difference!)

Then she started to say something about how I'm being stupid to be upset about it because an A- is "good", and all I do is b!tch about my grades even though they're already "good", blah blah blah.

Without even looking up from my computer screen, I declared:  "The next person to give me any sh!t about my grades--I will literally punch them in the face."  I was already mad at my boyfriend.  Now someone else has to go say something to me?

Her reply:  "I dare you to come up here and punch me in the face."

My boyfriend was sitting there and I bet he was getting really nervous.  I was so angry that I started to shake.  Who the hell does she think she is to tell me how I can and cannot feel about my own grades?  I did the smart thing, though, and I sat there, enraged, and snapped verbally instead.  My voice flew beyond my control, I yelled at her to f*ck off and mind her own business, that my grades have nothing to do with hers, and that my feelings about me getting an A- in this supposedly easy class has nothing to do with her or how I feel about other people's grades or anything.  You can't freaking tell me how I should feel about my own grades.

Everyone has their own standards, and mine are ridiculously high.  I know this.  I know I put so much pressure on myself, and I know I am constantly challenging myself to do well.  How I judge my own academic abilities and strengths has nothing to do with how I feel about other peoples' grades.  I don't think all A-s are bad grades.  I just think an A- in an easy class is stupid when I could really get an A.  Is that so hard to believe?  If I got an A- in my biochemistry class, I would be pretty thrilled.  If I got an A- in an English class, I would be pretty thrilled as well.  It all depends on what the class is, how important it is to me, and how important it is to my future.  I will obviously rather get a good grade in a science class than in a history class if I had to choose.  I am pre-med, after all, and science GPA is really important.  Am I not allowed to be upset with myself if I think I could have done better?

This is a sticky subject.  If I'm honest to myself, I know that I can't stand it when my boyfriend b!tches about grades because his GPA is WAY better than mine.  I wish I could have good grades like that.  And maybe that's why she said that; maybe she wants grades like mine and is annoyed that someone like me who already has those grades isn't grateful.  But hey, for anyone out there with extremely good grades and high expectations, I do understand how frustrating it can be to fail to meet your own goals, no matter how high and impossible they may seem.  You determine your own goals, you decide what grades are "good", and it is up to you to decide how you feel about your achievements.

Unfortunately, I am a bit of a hypocrite because I know that my parents are a huge influence.  If I don't get good grades to impress them, then I feel like I'm not a worthy daughter (true fact).  Perhaps I'll discuss this later, too.

It has been a week since then, and I only went home once, briefly, to get some new clothes and then leave again.  I hate it there.

Also, finals just turns people into cranky b!tches.  Period.