The last 24 hours have been some of my most embarrassing, scary, and emotionally exhausting hours in my entire life.
I should try to keep things positive, so I will say a few things. I am glad that I am alive and in one piece after the long drive from Michigan to Florida. I am grateful for my sweetheart, who is always there for me even when I'm hitting rock bottom or when I'm mean to him (which I am sorry for). I am happy that I am going on vacation with some good old and some good new friends. I am glad I avoided losing $300ish dollars. I am glad that I did not kill anything on the drive here.
Time to rip the bandage. Note: the following events may not be exactly in order because of high-stress situations, sleep deprivation, and night driving.
I decided to take the first driving shift (which ended up lasting from 11PM-ish to about 4:50 AM). Of course, it begins to snow to the point where I end up cutting my speed down to 45 MPH. Ugh. So irritating. And, then we get into Ohio, which takes FOREVER because their speed limits are low. In fact, they are so low that I suppose I just didn't notice that I was going 75ish but that the speed limit had just changed to 55, which I hadn't noticed since up until that point, it was 65. At about 2 AM, red and blue lights blind me.
The police pulled me over, for the first time in my entire life.
Now, I've had parking tickets and I have hit a (parked) car before. My insurance rate has gone up already, and my parents still nag me about how they're still paying for it. I have never gotten pulled over before. It was so scary. I always imagined that I would end up being like one of those really pathetic girls who just tries to cry her way into a warning or whatever, but I somehow just kept my cool. "Sorry, guys, I just got pulled over..." was what I said. I heard a tap on the window, and unfortunately was so damn nervous that I couldn't get that open. An important note is that I was driving this minivan for the first time, and it belonged to my friend's father. So, here I am, looking nervous and sketchy because I can't even open the window. I didn't cry in front of the police oficer, I apologized for going that far over and told him that I hadn't even noticed the change. As soon as he left, I cried because I was so f*cking embarrassed. Why did I have to be the one getting into so much trouble? Am I really that irresponsible? F*ck me.
Luckily, he believed me and he must have checked my driving history, which is pretty clean. He let me off with a warning--THANK GOODNESS. That was panic attack moment #1.
Panic attack moment #2 happened when I thought I saw a white lab rat crossing the highway. I f*cking swerved for what I thought was a rat. In my defense, there was no one else on the highway, and we had good traction. Was it really a rat? No. It was a f*cking napkin. Everyone laughed.
Then, we move on to panic attack moment #3. Of course, driving from Michigan down to Florida, we need to go south and east. Well, dumba$$ me almost missed a turn to merge onto a highway going east ... and stopped RIGHT in the middle of where the lanes divide. I pretty much ran the minivan into a ditch. Thankfully, it was late at night so no one was around, and I was able to reverse the van and merge onto the correct highway. Let it be known that if I am driving with passengers and I get into an accident and I'm at fault, if anyone dies, I hope it's me because I would deserve it for driving carelessly.
Onto panic attack moment #4. I realized that Friday had been the day that a medical school that I am extremely interested in was going to release their decision to me, after deferring me since October. I called my dad to ask him to check my status, only to find out that HE HAD ALREADY DONE IT and told me I was waitlisted (which, at this school is as good as rejected). He didn't even ask, and just did it. He didn't even tell my mom! He then said sorry, like it was my fault and that if I would have listened, I wouldn't be in this sh!t-tastic situation. I felt so terrible. I cried for a few hours in the car, feeling so entirely lost and alone. My parents are disappointed in me, as usual, and are going to think I'm a lazy b!tch because I didn't harass the admissions staff enough or whatever. F*ck, I am NEVER going to be good enough for them. That is one thing that I hate the most. On top of that, I can't believe my dad just went through my sh!t like it was his own business, and then didn't even share it with my mom until after he told me he checked. I really don't think she would have let him check, and she was very mad at him when she found out he checked without anyone's permission.
#5: opening my purse and finding the rent check that I was supposed to pay before I left. Oh, my goodness. At this point, I just wanted to throw my face through the rear windshield. Enough was enough. I called my mom and asked her to please drop off a rent check. Hopefully they'll accept it, since her name is not on the lease.
ARGH. Too many terrible things today. I was embarrassed, hurt, disrespected by my dad, disregarded by a school, laughed at by my friends, I probably scared them a few times during my drive, UGH. I seem to make the biggest a$$ out of myself, and I can't stand this. I am so upset. We were playing a card game and I quit because I lost three times in a row, which gives me the title of "trash." (For anyone who knows the game, we were playing Capitalism.) I can't sleep because I can't escape all of these thoughts of failure, pain, sadness, rage, and desolation. I'm the one making all the blunders, and everyone else gets to wonder why the hell they're friends with an idiot like me.
I don't even know where to go from here.
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