Hey, everyone! I hope that you all have been doing fine. I'm really sorry I haven't been able to write lately, but I have a LOT of drafts because in the time that I haven't written, there have been a LOT of things that have been pissing me off. So, you know, nothing new.
Last year, I was basically living with my boyfriend. It was awesome. I got to see him almost every day, we got to spend so much time together cooking and playing video games and talking, laughing ... I really miss the life I used to have when I was back in Michigan. Anyway, I went from seeing my better half every day to ... pretty much cutting him cold turkey.
And I knew this was coming. Hell, once upon a time a couple of years ago, I had broken up with him because I knew we were not going to be in the same place for much longer and I didn't think I could handle it. That summer was the worst summer of my life, because I was so anxious about him leaving that I had to move back in with my parents, taking benzos to quell my panic attacks, try to volunteer while not crying/panicking, etc. Worst. He had convinced me to get back together with him by telling me that he would compromise with me--even though he really wanted to go to CA, he would rather delay that dream just to be closer with me.
He's my hero.
As soon as he was awarded the Fulbright, I knew my life would be that much more full of loneliness and sorrow. I can't have it all. So now I am in the dreaded long distance relationship, and I will be for the rest of this academic year ... and then for a couple of years after that. I don't even know how I'm going to do it, but hopefully I'll get through it.
I have cried too many times after having an unfortunately sh!tty day that ended in seeing a couple kissing at the bus stop while it started to rain (no seriously, sh!t like that happens more often than you think). I miss my baby. Maybe I'm hypersensitive, but ... it's a really difficult adjustment that life basically forced me to make. Perhaps I should not take that kind of thing too hard, especially when the people who are displaying copious amounts of affection are just strangers who don't even know my name.
It really made me angry, however, when people who saw me every day and knew about what I was going through would just be so damn insensitive about it. Somebody I know had the audacity of telling me that she was so "f*cking pissed" that she wouldn't get to see her boyfriend until the weekend, and that it basically ruined her week. ONE WEEK. Are you f*cking kidding me? Even after I TOLD you that my sweetheart is ACROSS THE PLANET and I CAN'T EVEN CALL HIM when I want to ... you still think you're entitled to feel "f*cking pissed" around me over not seeing your chump of a boyfriend FOR A WEEK?!? HAVE YOU NO SHAME. ONE WEEK IS NO TIME AT ALL. I reacted by telling her that was too bad, but I told her to think about me--I don't get to do that at all, and thanks for reminding me about that. On the inside, though, I was so angry and so heartbroken at the same time. The LDR (yes, I'm going to call it that) was so painful for me, but I knew I had to wait it out.
And then there's the other part of having perspective. I thought I had it bad. I was telling someone I met in my class that my ginger was far away in Austria, and she said that sounded so awful. I said something like, "Yeah, it's terrible, but at least he's coming back at the end of this year." Her sympathy turned into, "Oh my god, I hate you." She then started to talk about how she had entered a LDR .. for the entirety of med school. A few of my other classmates have boyfriends who are across the country, and that must be so difficult to try and work around for four years. I continue to realize that more and more people in our class are trying to sustain LDRs for the duration of med school, and that sounds awful.
Perspective is so important. Before being in a LDR, I didn't really think much of it. I didn't know anyone who was in one themselves, so I didn't have to be mindful of how I would behave around them and what I would say. Now that I'm in one, though, and now that I know so many other people who are suffering alongside me for the ones they love the most, things are different. I just hope that people who are fortunate enough to be able to see their loved ones often, whether it's every week or whether it's every day, have a little bit of sympathy for those of us who don't. And for those of us who are in a LDR ... STAY STRONG.
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